I never wanted to
by stepherz8907
Summary: Caspian/Susan. Susan's musings to the sky. Movieverse.


Disclaimer: Sadly, I own nothing.

Author's Note: Just an angsty one shot, based on the song _I Thought I'd See Your Face Again_ by Sara Evans. Her lyrics are italicized along with Susan's thoughts and letter. Beware it's un-betad. Constructive criticism would be nice, I don't know if I'll do a sequel with Caspian or not, probably depends on how well this is received, Happy Reading :) Oh and a big thanks to **lovesrogue36** her Caspian/Susan fanmix led me to this song.

_I never wanted to, but I said goodbye to you._

A shuffle of sheets, a foot on the ground. Susan couldn't sleep again. She slowly padded to her window, and placed her small hand on the glass.

"Oh, Aslan, why, why couldn't you let me stay."

She looked up to the moon, and silently prayed.

_I know it wasn't feasible, I know_ _that it's impossible, but please, give me something to remember him by, I don't even have a picture, It's been a month, and I'm slowly forgetting his face, the way his hand felt in mine, the sound of his laugh. I don't want to forget, but all that I loved about him is slowly trickling out of my heart like water through my fingertips. I never wanted to, it wasn't the plan, I thought I'd see his face again._

Quietly, she whispered, "Oh, Aslan, please, let him be happy, and let him know, that I never wanted to say goodbye."

She wiped a tear from her cheek, and slowly walked to her desk, grabbed a small notebook and a fountain pen, and walked softly downstairs and into the kitchen. She opened a drawer and grabbed a box of matches and walked out the back door.

With a slow, shuddering breath she walked over to the stone bench in the family garden, placing her items down, and then as if transfixed, she looked to her mothers rose bush and remembered a conversation with Caspian the night before she went away.

_"Caspian? Where are we going? You do know that its well past midnight?"_

"Keep your eyes closed, I have something important to show you."

"Is it much farther?"  
_  
"Open your eyes."_

"Oh, Caspian, they're beautiful."

They had walked into the most magnificent garden she'd ever seen. Full of beautiful white roses.

"I thought you'd like it, I found this garden after my father died. Here . . ." With that he pulled a rose off the nearest bush and placed it in her outstretched palms. "I, I, I'm so glad that I blew that horn Su, I wish that you could stay here always."

"Caspian, we both know that's impossible." She then looked down, and saw his leather boots come into focus, and felt his hand brush away the tear she couldn't hold in. Before she could stop to think of what she was doing she hugged him and proceeded to cry. Being the perfect gentleman, he then picked her up and walked to the nearest bench . . .

"NO, stop Susan, don't think like that, for all you know he could already be dead, stop reliving it." Susan then sat on the bench with her face in her two hands, breathing deeply, after a few minutes she picked up the pen and paper and began to write.

**_Caspian,_**

**_I'm sorry that we didn't have the time we needed, I'd give anything to hear you say my name again, but I can't keep living in the past, haunted by your spirit every day and night. Lucy, Edmund, and Peter are so worried about me, I haven't slept in weeks, I hope you're fairing better. I'm sorry for rambling, butfearing that you've already died, that I lost the one thing that mattered as much as my family is killing me slowly. I keep looking to the stars and wondering where you are, keep seeing my mothers rose bush and remembering the last night we spent together. I know that seeing me cry broke your heart, I could see it in your eyes. But at least we can always remember that few hours of secrets, of hopes and dreams that we couldn't tell a soul. I'm sure that you're doing great as King, that your father is proud. It hurts to remember how vulnerable you were. Know that I will never forget you, you gave me the most precious gift I've ever received. Maybe one day I'll be able to look back at that night in the garden and not feel empty. But until then, I'll see you in my dreams._**

**_- Susan._**

She then folded the letter up, and whispered _"I've got a letter, but no address to send it to."_ Standing up she struck a match, lit the letter on fire, and placed it in the empty pond. She quickly gathered her things and walked towards the house, turning slowly she looked at the wisps of smoke that curled up to the heavens and whispered, "Goodbye my love. I promise, I'll never forget you."

A/N: Well thanks for reading, hopefully you liked it, if you didn't don't hesitate to offer some advice, but please no flaming. Reviews would be lovely. Thanks Again :)


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